The James Bond Awards

Quarantine has led to some interesting binges for all of us. Having gone on for nearly a year it makes sense that we would have watched a lot of TV and movies by now. For some it was an opportunity to slip into the comfort of our favorite stories, for others it was a chance to finally watch that thing that everyone keeps bringing up. For myself I set a few characteristically ambitious viewing goals but wound up watching a little too much Top Chef to be productive.

Two glaring areas of ignorance in my pop culture knowledge though were tackled. The first was Star Trek. Speaking of ambitious I had designs to watch all of the original series, The Next Generation, Voyager, and Deep Space Nine. After spending several months on the original series I thought I’d press pause before starting the next 400 episodes of Trek, not to mention the dozen or so movies. The other area was James Bond. You may have noticed I didn’t mention Bond films too often on here. In early 2019 however I did decide to catch up on the Daniel Craig films which were all pretty damn good overall. Right around New Years I finally decided to start all of the Bond movies in order. I realized quite quickly that Caroline was probably not down for this marathon which is her loss but also helps me plow through them at my characteristically obsessive pace.

Then came New Year’s Day. After drunkenly finishing Goldfinger (one of the half dozen or so Bond films I had actually seen and the only one I owned on DVD) I woke up with a day off ready to get to work. There was only one catch, all the Bond films that were streaming on Hulu and Amazon Prime proceeded to vanish. I realized that if I had only started this endeavor earlier I could have been done, or at least up to Brosnan. Doing a quick search I heard that the original films had moved to Peacock, a new streaming service that I am not subscribing to. I know with what is commonly referred to as the streaming wars we all have a breaking point. Mine was Peacock, although I previously put my foot down on at least a dozen others before. No I don’t care to watch the Office again or whatever god awful Saved by the Bell reboot is happening because frankly I’m also getting mighty tired of studios scraping the bottom of the barrel for nostalgic garbage they can repackage for people longing to return to an era where they were still capable of feeling something besides existential dread.

So what’s a guy to do? Well in the olden days I would have run to the library and got my fix there, but in the age of quarantine that is significantly more complicated. So I went to Best Buy, saw the entire collection on blu-ray and purchased good old fashioned physical media. As my Criterion posts have indicated I am a fan of the antiquated hard copies, and it was either this or subscribe to another god damn thing with more shit I don’t want or need to add another 15 minutes to the already excruciating “what are we going to watch tonight?” ritual. Luckily they price matched and I’m sure in the long run I saved money, plus how cool is it I own all 24 films on blu-ray? To answer the question my cousin had, no it doesn’t include the non-Eon produced Never Say Never Again where Sean Connery was given a dump truck of money to play Bond one more time. So having not seen that film, you can argue I haven’t seen “all the Bond movies” and I hear you, but we’re going with official releases. This is the same reason I didn’t watch Ghost Rider and Fantastic Four when I ranked the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Which quick aside, I have so many theories about Wandavision and I can’t wait to be wrong on nearly all of them.

Now the purpose of this blog is essentially to put down my thoughts after watching 24 movies in a franchise over roughly three weeks. As I mentioned before my knowledge of Bond was severely limited. Other than catching random scenes here and there I had only seen about 7 Bond films in their entirety. The one surprisingly I had seen the most was Licence to Kill, which I hadn’t seen at all since the early 90s. This explains why I had the itch to finally cross them off, because a film historian such as myself should be familiar with the longest running franchise in movie history. I would make the claim of it being the most successful but I’m not sure if Marvel has passed it. Since over 2/3 of these films were being watched for the first time I quickly abandoned my idea of ranking them. After all I would have to look up what the hell the difference between For Your Eyes Only and Octopussy was, I just know they were both pretty bad.

A second idea sprang up during the first third of this marathon, what about my own little James Bond awards? Lots of people, websites, and magazines have ranked all number of best and worst Bond things. In many ways these highlights might seem more pure because I’m coming in largely cold, consider it a first impression list. For example the second time watching Spectre definitely had a different weight knowing that Christoph Waltz was the 4^th official Blofeld in the series. Along the way I got a crash course in the inner workings of these productions, what explained various gaps, and why SPECTRE disappeared for forty years. So for this particular blog I want to tackle a few categories, list my favorite ____ and offer a little commentary why. So let’s dish, starting with:

Best Bond - Daniel Craig

I know you’re already pissed and telling me what an idiot I am, but hear me out. It seems nearly every Bond has a three picture window before they start to phone it in. Connery clearly stopped giving a shit around the time of Thunderball, Roger Moore freely admitted the series went ridiculous in Moonraker, and Die Another Day was a bit of a turd compared with Brosnan’s other three. I nearly put Timothy Dalton here because he always was my favorite Bond growing up. Being the only Bond for 6 long years as Licence to Kill ran on cable repeatedly will do that. I do think that if MGM not had it’s issues and a third or even fourth Bond film with Dalton had been made, he might top this list. He was a hyrbrid that had Connery’s charm and some degree of Craig’s athleticism.

The reason Craig tops this list is he grounded the franchise. Even when doing some rather absurd Bond stunts, he always seemed capable, not like old man Moore who deferred to his stunt double 80% of the time. Pierce Brosnan is a fine choice that I won’t argue with but like nearly all Bonds he quickly got old (something that 52 year old Craig will have to reckon with whenever No Time to Die gets released). Brosnan like other Bonds was a product of his time, whereas Craig (and Dalton) seemed timeless. Brosnan’s films are plagued with awful CGI and seemed over reliant on effects to carry them through. Craig has the least amount of gadgets considering Q doesn’t even appear in his first two films. By loosely linking his four films into one cohesive story he also seems to show a marginal amount of growth, which only Lazenby was given an opportunity to do before. I can shit on Lazenby but On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is easily one of the better films. The best of which I’ll get to now.

Best Bond Film - Casino Royale

There are some runners up here for sure. Goldfinger set the standard, and really the first three Bond pictures are all excellent. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was top notch, and I really fucking love Licence to Kill. I think another reason for my love of Licence to Kill beyond nostalgia is the fact that it’s an 80s action movie and would have been right at home starring Schwarznegger. Casino Royale came out in the era of the gritty reboot, aka let’s all do what Batman Begins did. Craig was a different Bond, who was more objectified than the ladies around him. He also showed signs of vulnerability, he was human and flawed, not yet the cold calculating machine he would become. I also have no idea why tense poker scenes are so fascinating to watch. Most of the action is practical and holy Christ Eva Green is mesmerizing. It’s also one of the few Bond films that would probably place in my top ten of the year (Skyfall probably would as well fwiw). I understand anyone who has their personal favorite, but this is everything someone needs to know about Bond.

 Best Bond Girl - Diana Rigg (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)

Countess Tracy di Vicenzo is simply the best Bond girl and I will fight anyone on this. I’m not saying who looked prettiest next to Bond, or who had the most ridiculous name because there are some humdingers in there, but Rigg’s Tracy was the greatest. I like my Bond girls competent and on equal footing with Bond. All too often Bond has either been partnered with some dumb ass whose sole purpose is to get captured, or she is murdered to motivate his revenge. Some come and go, a few turn out to be villains themselves, but Rigg was something better than others. She was the first memorable Bond girl. Sure a lot of attention was given to Ursula Andress for being the original Bond girl, and everyone knows the name Pussy Galore, but can you even remember what Honor Blackman looked like, or did? Rigg was the first Bond girl more famous than Bond largely because no one then or now has any clue who George Lazenby is and The Avengers was a very popular show. She got a second life on Game of Thrones and was the first of at least four Bond actors to appear on that show (if you recall more besides Sean Bean, Charles Dance, and Jonathan Pryce let me know). For the record she does get captured, but she kicks some ass and helps save the day rather than screaming for Bond to use his manly muscles to save her. RIP, also everyone should watch Theatre of Blood.

Best Theme Song - “Live and Let Die”

I mean this is one of the few un-debatable Bond facts. So much so that I wanted to rebel against this choice and put the absolute banger “A View to Kill” from Duran Duran which is the only Bond song I heard multiple times without knowing it was from a Bond movie. Now for the past month Caroline and I have been doing our best Shirley Bassey and saying “Goldfinger” while walking around the house, but for my money her second theme, “Diamonds are Forever” was the superior song. Kanye West seemed to think so and sampled it, twice but let’s not let his approval be an endorsement. McCartney’s theme took on a life of it’s own, and turned into a hit by Guns ‘n’ Roses 20 years later. It was also the only time I believe McCartney and George Martin collaborated post-Beatles.

Best Villain - Christopher Lee (The Man With the Golden Gun)

So allow me a brief respite to say I am 100% biased by the fact that Christopher Lee was in a Bond movie so he wins. Now not always has a great actor turned into a great villain. The jury is out on Christoph Waltz’s interpretation of Blofeld, who is clearly Bond’s most important villain but with so many actors playing him it somewhat splits the vote. Christopher Walken was wasted as a villain in the pretty shitty A View to Kill. Goldfinger, The Spy Who Loved Me, and Moonraker had villains overshadowed by their henchmen. Christopher Lee was the most fascinating of his many arch-nemesis. He wasn’t necessarily hell bent on world domination, he was a man like Bond who wanted to beat the best. Christopher Lee could be frightening as hell considering he played Dracula at least 2000 times and he helped salvage what was easily one of the weakest films in the series. In fact if it weren’t for him and Odd Job, Man with the Golden Gun probably would top my list of worst Bond films. Francisco Scaramanga is clever, capable, and believable as a superior foe, also what a name.

Best Henchman - Herve Villechaize (The Man With the Golden Gun)

I can’t for the life of me explain my fascination with Villechaize’s Nick Nack or why this movie was so bad despite having my favorite antagonists. Jaws is great, Odd Job is great, and I love me some Benecio del Torro in Licence to Kill. Hell Dave Bautista makes an excellent henchman complete with only one word of dialogue in Spectre. However I simply love the fact that this little shit is somehow a menacing person, long before Austin Powers made mini-me a deliberate joke. He also seems to be the rare henchman who has wavering loyalty, willing to fuck over Scaramanga so he can inherit everything, but is that just a set up? Now there are some Bond girls who turn out to be in bed with the enemy which makes me think of Sophie Marceau in The World is Not Enough but Villechaize’s acting career was so brief he deserves this. Speaking of further viewing, Forbidden Zone is certainly a movie.

Best Bond Ally - Joe Don Baker (GoldenEye and Tomorrow Never Dies)

Jack Wade is one of several CIA allies Bond works with over the years. Baker is unique because he is one of four actors to play a villain as well as an ally to Bond, being the somewhat incompetent villain with toy soldiers in The Living Daylights. The first three Brosnan Bond outings are pretty good, and honestly Die Another Day isn’t irredeemable, but Joe Don Baker’s Wade is my favorite part of those movies. Just a gregarious American stereotype there to help out Bond officially and sometimes unofficially for the greater good. Bond typically does work alone, and I’m tempted to put Desmond Llewelyn here because Q has by far offered Bond the most help. However I’m trying to single out some individual performances and well I wanted to throw some love to at least something in the Brosnan era.

Now let the hate flow, as I shit on some of these movies.

Worst Bond - George Lazenby

I hate to pick on the guy but this one doesn’t need much explanation. I am curious what he could have done if he didn’t have the worst agent in history who advised him not to return. Hell even though I liked this film I would have to look up a picture of Lazenby to remember what he looked like. Easily the most forgettable, his Bond at least showed a few human traits that Dalton and Craig were able to tap into.

Worst Bond Film - Octopussy

I’ll be honest, you can flip a coin on Roger Moore’s mostly terrible Bond output. He worked as a Bond for awhile, until he shockingly didn’t. He seemed too old for this role almost immediately being four years older than Connery, but by 1983 he was definitely phoning it in. I remember absolutely nothing about this movie I watched two weeks ago. Oh yeah this had someone in a clown suit, a Faberge egg auction, and snore. Homer Simpson might have liked it but it was a waste. The theme was forgettable, the cast had no standouts, and overall it was an insufferable 131 minutes. For Your Eyes Only at least had Carole Bouquet and a marginally better opening.

Worst Bond Girl - Britt Ekland (The Man With the Golden Gun)

Mary Goodnight was the worst kind of Bond girl. Pretty, skinny, looked good in a bikini and colossally useless. In fact the only thing she seems to do is stumble blindly into setting off a doomsday device. There’s a reason The Man With the Golden Gun is so bad (more on that later) despite having my favorite villain and Henchman combo. I could have selected from the many forgettable ladies in these films but I chose the one that made me actively angry.

Worst Theme Song - “GoldenEye”

Yeah this song is a crud rock. Dishonorable mention to Shirley Bassey’s third and by far weakest outing for Moonraker. The fact that this song was written by Bono and the Edge of a still relevant U2 and sung by Turner who was channeling her inner Bassey it just sucks. To be honest quite a number of the themes are very forgettable, a few that are just instrumental. So again I’d rather highlight a theme that disappointed me more than one I don’t remember. Although to be perfectly frank I’m not a big fan of any of the Brosnan themes.

Worst Bond Villain - Toby Stephens (Die Another Day)

There are a number of lame and ridiculous Bond villains. Did you even remember Hugo Drax was the actual villain of Moonraker? Some people terribly miscast (Living Daylights, Diamonds Are Forever), but sometimes it’s just compounded garbage, ala Stephens portrayal of Gustav Graves. Bad CGI aside I actually liked Rosamund Pike and Halle Berry in this film, and the over the top fencing scene had it’s moments, but Graves is just the worst. On top of it I’m supposed to believe he is North Korean with plastic surgery, like how lazy could they get with the casting? I actually enjoy the other villains in Brosnan’s films largely because the actor’s portraying them were so good, but Stephens is the black sheep of that quartet.

Worst Henchmen - Lola Larson “Bambi” and Trina Parks “Thumper” (Diamonds are Forever)

Predicting the onslaught of awful campy nonsense that would pop up in Roger Moore’s films I almost forgot these two useless ladies were in Connery’s last official outing. I mean the names, the gimmick, their extreme incompetence are just the worst. How bad were these actresses? Well when I saw a girl that looked like Trina Parks in Moonraker I had a panic attack that for some reason these two were back. The fact that these sexy would be assassins are able to be held underwater simultaneously by Bond put a cap on how dumb their very inclusion was.

Worst Bond Ally - Clifton James (Live and Let Die, The Man With the Golden Gun)

Oh Christ do I hate this character. I can take some lame and campy nonsense because frankly that’s what this series was largely about but the fact that Clifton James’ tone deaf bumbling redneck cartoon character was brought back for a second Bond film is perplexing. Yeah a redneck Louisiana sheriff goes on vacation in Thailand. The second he appears in Live and Let Die I broke. That movie is not good despite it’s amazing theme song, but he was easily the worst thing about it, so when he shows up for no reason in The Man With the Golden Gun I knew there was no god. Guy Hamilton was apparently a fan of his and asked him to be written into Gun. Perhaps it was just a casual British fascination with a redneck stereotype complete with a giant wad of chewing tobacco. I hesitate to call him an ally because he was shaking his fat redneck fist in anger during Live, but he actually teams up with Bond in Gun. Either way, maybe Clifton James was a swell fella but there are few characters in movies I have hated more.

So there you have it, my take on Bond and it’s many facets. Perhaps one day I’ll go through the series again and update my rankings but man the thought of sitting through Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, and A View to Kill sounds like torture. Had I taken better notes I would have loved to rank the opening title sequences and the cold open action scenes, but that will be for another time.