Annual Oscar Bitching 2019 Edition

(This has largely gone unedited, but I need to watch the damn things so let me know all of my type-os)

Ugh, the Oscars am I right? Well that seems to be the general sentiment about today’s ceremony, which supposedly honors the best films released in 2018. Taking a quick look at the nominees and even before the films that started to win awards at the countless other shows where rich liberals give each other trophies for being “brave” the field is a little underwhelming. I had a heavy sigh when the Golden Globe nominees were announced and a much more a angry reaction when the winners were given trophies. I knew then that this year’s Oscars were going to be a whole new kind of bad. Leave it to a 90-year-old ceremony to find new ways to anger people.

Now I’ll give my two cents on the nominees for the major categories, I’ll most likely update this after the awards to reflect who wins rather than making it seem like I was a genius who picked everything right. Even if I am right on who wins what, I’m not happy about it unless it means demolishing Caroline in our annual Oscar pool. That’s what I’m into this year, pure sport. The integrity of the show went away a long time ago, I’m simply in it to win it.

The main problem with this award show (and most others I assume) is that it isn’t about honoring the best films. The original idea for the awards some 90 years ago was specifically to honor Hollywood productions. Before sound came around nervous execs feared that superior foreign films might dominate the domestic market. They solved this problem by paying that foreign talent a lot of money to jump ship, but they wanted to make sure that their films were the ones with prestige. So they cooked up an insider party, gave each other awards and for the most part the modern award show was born. It took a full decade before a foreign language film finally got nominated for best picture (The Grand Illusion in 1938, it didn’t win), but the original idea remained the same. This was an American award show for Americans. Specifically people who made movies within their system, using their talent, their unions, etc.

Today the notion of honoring the best films still doesn’t ring true. Sure people vote and in their heart of hearts they most likely vote for the film they truly believe is the best, but there’s a flaw in that system. Think of every time a third party candidate is running for president. Sure you might believe in what they’re saying but you know it’s a two party system and you can either throw away a vote in protest or pick the red or blue puppet closest. This is no different in the Academy. Maybe you get an honest response from cinematography or musical score, but picture, actor, actress, this is a game of politics. In fact to even get nominated you have to woo the Academy. Every year tons of films take out ads and send DVD screeners to members so that they can recognize their movie. I’m paraphrasing, but when Boots Riley’s innovative Sorry to Bother You was shut out he more or less said “That’s cool, we didn’t really try to win any awards.” Riley didn’t take out any for your consideration ads or send any screeners (even though the film was streaming on Hulu), and likewise it was ignored. Even if the much less impressive BlacKkKlansman managed to garner several nominations.

The fact is Spike Lee wanted Academy approval, even if he more than anyone should politely tell all those jackasses to get fucked. So his film did try to cater to that crowd, they tried to woo them, and it was successful to the tune of several nominations including an inexplicable one for Adam Driver. We’re yet to see if it wins anything, my guess is it wouldn’t, but he can maybe heal some of those 29-year-old wounds from watching Driving Miss Daisy win while he wasn’t nominated. So tonight be prepared to watch the best films that tried the hardest to win awards get recognized. Every so often the two align (No Country for Old Men and The Departed come to mind), but far more often it’s the opposite.

So let’s get into the re-caps shall we?

*All nominees are in alphabetical order, not reflecting any personal preference.

Best Picture

Black Panther - This is a conciliatory nod from 2008. That was the last year five films were nominated for best picture, and I bet you don’t remember a single one of them without looking it up. Cool, remember Frost/Nixon, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, or Slumdog Millionaire? What about Milk, that was also a film that came out that year? Regardless of your recollection of those instantly forgettable films, I bet you remember The Dark Knight? Of course you do, and that film’s exclusion prompted the expansion to more than 5 nominees the next year and you can’t tell me otherwise. BP is a damn good film, but is ultimately just another Marvel movie. I feel like they took a few shortcuts on special effects because they didn’t give it quite the resources of Infinity War, and the film became a huge success largely because holy shit black people actually want to see themselves as superheroes (even as much as Hancock, Steel, and Blank Man led to believe the opposite). I’ve reviewed the film in depth here and I have little to add, but it is nice to see something in the MCU get recognized. Too bad Michael B. Jordan didn’t get singled out as well.

BlacKkKlansman - Fuck Spike Lee for making me type that horrendous spelling of his film title. Anyways this film was a perfectly fine adaptation of the Clayton Bigsby sketch and despite having zero surprises was good in it’s own right. I’ve watched more Spike Lee films than you and I can say this is among his better ones. However this is kinda like when Match Point was getting rave reviews even though Woody Allen just remade his own film Crimes and Misdemeanors without any of the humor. The point is I think people are so excited for any glimpse that “Spike Lee is back” and substitute his name for any other established director and you get the fondness for this return to form. Like many Lee joints before, this is a little too on the nose with it’s social commentary but it’s far from the trainwreck Chi-raq was.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Ooh boy, this one. So Queen has long been my favorite band ever and I avoided this film like the plague. However that internal struggle emerged where my completionist need to see every film nominated for best picture waged war with my desire to avoid a movie that shits all over my favorite band’s history. In the end film won out and I watched this abomination of god. This more than any film shows the power of marketing. This was a run of the mill, wildly inaccurate biopic that should have been forgotten as quickly as Get on Up or All Eyez on Me but the studio did something unique. They put a super hero film sized hype machine behind it and convinced a lot of you midwest yahoos that it was some triumphant story about a great band when it was a cash grab that is both offensive to gay people, anyone who knows about Queen, or people who like movies in general. I feel like the screenwriters listened to Queen’s greatest hits once and maybe had an old Behind the Music on in the background while they banged out this script in a couple hours while high on cocaine. Fuck this movie, Freddie Mercury deserved better and Brian May and Roger Taylor should be ashamed. Also double fuck pedophile Bryan Singer, seriously the man is a piece of shit and the Academy knew this before nominating the film.  

The Favourite - Despite it’s dark horse status, I thought this film was damn good. If I’m ranking Yorgos Lanthimos’s films I’d probably put it behind Dogtooth and The Lobster, but that isn’t saying it’s bad. I loved the weird extreme wide angle cinematography and the technical aspects of it are worthy of a best picture nod. The three female leads are all excellent even if Emma Stone’s British accent takes some suspension of disbelief. This does however strike me as one of those good films that no one will remember existed in like 3 months.

Green Book - I know none of you read my Green Book review, but scroll down on my blog and it’s there. This film deserves cancer of the anus and is a firm reminder that no matter how many times they give a black actress a best supporting actress statue, they have a long, long way to go. This is well meaning liberal garbage in the worse sense of the term and is actively holding back the progress of this nation and it’s entertainment by several years. Peter Farrely would be better suited to directing another Stuck on You than attempt another white savior picture.

Roma - So time for a confession. I didn’t like Roma as much as I wanted to. This happens on occasion when a great director makes a new movie that also gets rave reviews. I go into with sky high expectations and find it to be quality but not up to their previous work. In the case of Roma, I feel like the films sort of non-narrative layout worked but also made everything seem more like a general feeling than a specific group of scenes. I am rooting for this to win best picture, because after 90 years holy shit a foreign language film eventually needs to win this award already. I’m sure a second viewing would help, and lucky for all of us it’s on Netflix forever. The fact that this was a Netflix release presents an uphill battle for the ancient Academy voters who fear new things, so expect those people to vote for Green Book instead.

A Star is Born - For someone who spends the majority of their free time watching movies I can honestly say a lot of them didn’t need to be made. I can argue how necessary any of these nominees are, and with the exception of Black Panther most of them could have not existed and my life would be exactly the same. A Star is Born is unnecessary in every way. It’s kind of a shame because Bradley Cooper does act his ass off, and Sam Elliot is a national treasure. I knew every thing that was going to happen in this film before it happened, and at the end of the day well crafted pointlessness just rings hollow. Even for a Lady Gaga fan let’s just admit the world doesn’t need to see that woman on stage with false humility crying and holding another golden statue.

Vice - Along with Tag, which not surprisingly didn’t get a single nomination, Vice was probably the film we didn’t know we needed. Adam McKay has proven to be a rather fantastic director. I do think The Big Short was the best film of 2015, and you need only watch the Will Ferrell movies he hasn’t directed to notice McKay’s importance. Vice could have been Christian Bale boring us with a perfect impersonation of Dick Cheney much like Gary Oldman bored everyone with The Darkest Hour last year (remember a single scene from that movie?), but instead McKay sought to keep things interesting and had enough fun flourishes to keep it from being a boring paint-by-numbers biopic. Kinda wish they let him direct Bohemian Rhapsody.

Best Director

Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman - Hey Spike, congratulations you’re finally nominated for best director. Seeing his live reaction to the nominees being announced made me feel genuine joy for this man who has fought a very long uphill battle against the white devils controlling studio power for decades. Spike has been known to be a bit extravagant in his directing choices but things are relatively restrained here. My one major knock on this film and his directing is the ridiculous scene where the KKK screens Birth of a Nation. I mean yeah the Klan probably loves that shit, but it’s three hours and silent and nobody is jumping up and down hooting and hollering, certainly not a bunch of honkey racist crackers.

Pawel Pwlikowski, Cold War - From the director of Polish People Being Sad in Black and White, comes another film where Polish people do things in black and white. Did you see Cold War? I bet you didn’t. I did, and it’s pretty much the same as Ida, good old revisionist art house faire. The type of thing that critics often like but Academy members usually run screaming in horror against. This film was produced in part by Amazon so they did have Jeff Bessos’s untaxed $11.2 billion in profits to help sell the film to Academy members. Good for Pawel, but I’m a monkey’s uncle if he wins.

Yorgos Lanthimos, The Favourite - These names are fun to type aren’t they? I’ve enjoyed seeing Yorgos get some mainstream recognition after his first four features pleased critics and few else. Turns out all you need to get award show recognition is a British costume drama. I think he does a fantastic job, and seriously I loved almost every shot of this film. He is one of the most unique and fascinating directors working today, too bad he won’t win.

Alfanso Cuaron, Roma - Cuaron won for Gravity right? Yeah well I think he’s going to win for this too. Cuaron did EVERYTHING in this movie because Mexico doesn’t abide by silly Hollywood rules about unions and such. He shot it, wrote it, edited it, and probably cooked pazole for the crew during breaks. If Roma is good it’s pretty much 100% because of this man, so give him his prize already.

Adam McKay, Vice - I’d like to see McKay win this award because he made the most entertaining nominee by a fucking mile. The fake-out ending, the expositions, the focus groups, etc. McKay might be damned by his inability to tell a story, even a serious one with a straight face, but that’s why I love him. He reminds me of me if I ever got a chance to make movies like this, although I’m sure mine would be way worse and another disgruntled film nerd would be writing in their blog about what a hack I am.

Best Actress

Yalita Aparicio, Roma - Nothing says this category is meaningless quite like having two people who have never starred in a feature film be nominated for best actress. Meryl Streep must be spinning in her grave. I think Aparicio is fine in the film, and really this movie would not have worked without her. I will also say that her inclusion in this ceremony is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise steaming pile of shit. That said it would be a god damn joke and an insult if she actually won, but good for her. I assume she’ll have fond memories of going to the Oscars next year when she gets back to raising chickens or whatever the hell she does for her real job.

Glenn Close, The Wife - Did you see this film? Probably not, Glenn Close is in Julianne Moore for Still Alice territory here. A well respected actress whose gotten a few nominations but never the top prize, so they’ll probably just say here you go, now go ahead and retire. She’s been nominated 6(?) times before, and this film will be as remembered as all those other films. Seriously try and remember two of the films she was nominated for. I’ll give you Fatal Attraction, go ahead and guess another. No she wasn’t nominated for 101 Dalmations. Anyways her dog is awesome, and her winning means we’ll only have to see Lady Gaga on stage to win her Original Song Oscar.

Olivia Coleman, The Favourite - She was in Hot Fuss, shit yeah. Anyways, I kinda thought Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz were the leads in this film, but Coleman does steal the show and acts rings around the two of them. Queen Anne is the type of role that actresses usually win awards for but my money is on Close. I feel like she did a lot more for this role than the other actresses, even if 90% of her scenes involve her sitting or laying down in bed.  

Lady Gaga, A Star is Born - Good for you. Does this beat playing the Super Bowl halftime show? Is she fucking Bradley Cooper in real life, because it kinda seems like she is, or maybe she is that great of an actress.

Melissa McCarthy, Can You Ever Forgive Me? - I’m going to bet none of you saw this. Well McCarthy has a ridiculous hair cut, plays a shitty alcoholic who can write forgeries. The film wasn’t as great as I was hoping considering how much I loved Marielle Heller’s previous film Diary of a Teenage Girl, but McCarthy is good. Maybe this is the Academy’s way of saying “remember when you laughed at us for nominating her in Bridesmaids, see she’s a serious actress.” Could have been worse she could have been recognized for Happytown Murders.

Best Actor

Christian Bale, Vice - Christian Bale is like Daniel Day Lewis except he doesn’t spend nearly enough time deciding what films to make. As such, he has utterly transformed and lost himself in absolute pieces of shit no one saw or remembered. Vice he goes full Gary Oldman, he gets fat, and he should win this award. He’s always awesome regardless of how shitty the film is, and well he’s simply better than everyone else in this category so here’s to another Batman actor winning an Oscar.

Bradley Cooper, A Star is Born - Ok, so this film didn’t need to be made, but Cooper is really fucking good in it. His directing is clearly trying super hard to impress us, but this is an actors movie and maybe enough people think it’s his time. I can shit on him as a director or a writer but he did a fine job as an actor. Even if half his dialogue is mumbled in an octave that only makes sense if you’re Sam Elliot, it’s still good emoting. That said playing drunk, strung out rock stars is super easy.

Willem Dafoe, At Eternity’s Gate - Willem Dafoe should be on currency, then everyone would have nightmares when they open their wallet instead of just me. I didn’t see this film because I’ve seen 4 other films about Van Gogh (that sounds like another nominee). I’m sure he’s great, but you should probably just watch Antichrist (hello stunt cock) and Speed 2. Ooh he was in Body of Evidence with Madonna, wanna watch Madonna fuck Willem Dafoe? I bet you do now, that’ll probably be more entertaining than this year’s telecast.

Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody - I don’t know who this man is but he did a fine job as Freddie. He had the stage presence and the mannerisms down. I do feel like his prosthetic teeth did most of the heavy lifting for him, but there’s a reason everyone was praising him in this role. In fact other than hearing Queen songs he might be the one redeeming quality about this film. That said still don’t watch this film or give it awards, let’s not encourage this type of behavior.

Viggo Mortensen, Green Book - Hey fughetabout it eh? Dis wise guy got fat ate fried chicken and learned the meaning of true love. Ugh, this insulting garbage hurt. I can’t fault Viggo, whose great claim to fame is being the only person on earth named Viggo, for his role. I mean he was hired for a job and he did it admirably, even in the service of an insultingly bad film. God, this show is bringing out so much hate in me.

Best Supporting Actress

Regina King will probably win this. I really don’t remember her in If Beale Street Could Talk, a film that btw was better than every film nominated for best picture. She fits the mold of best supporting actress to a T. I also feel the two Favourite actresses will cancel each other out, and who the hell is Marina de Tavira? Seriously what role did she play in that film, was she the other maid, the mom, one of the kids? I really don’t know.  Oh also I like Amy Adams, but she won’t win.

Best Supporting Actor

Can anyone not do a good George W. Bush impersonation? Drew Magary called Sam Elliot “The voice of beef” and I’ve been crying laughing for days. I hope he wins just so I can hear that melodious bovine baritone thank the cattle farmers of West Texas or some shit. Also Adam Driver over Michael B. Jordan. Kylo Ren was as expressive in this as he was in Patterson and that at least had the excuse of being directed by Jim Jarmusch. Oh yeah and Richard E. Grant played, wait for it, a drunk. Mahershela Ali was classy and dignified which is how the Academy likes their colored folk to be come award season. I really have no idea whose winning this so let’s just for the record say Elliot.

Anyways I gotta shower and go to an Oscar party where I’ll drink enough to forget who wins any of these.  Hope you had a laugh, and remember baseball season is like a month away.